My Ah Ha Moment

I wrote this yesterday and feel strongly about posting it here. Weight is an issue that I'm embarrassed to talk about but at the same time know that it is a huge problem not just with me but with so many other people. I want, hope to be of encouragement to someone else.

So last night I had the complete, "I'm done. I'm fed up with
myself. No matter what I choose to do I'm the one in control and I'm going
to be in control in a good way" moment. I swear I spend the weekends
binging. (eating out) Every week I decide I'm not going to do that
again. I don't think I've ever felt like I felt last night. Not even
when I weighed 260 pounds. I didn't realize at the time that I was that
big. I've just almost always been big. When I had to buy a size 24
pants after my little girl was born and then go stand beside a bride at a
wedding and be bar none the biggest person there, I decided to change and I
did. I got myself down to 179 pounds! 80 awesome pounds
gone!!! then I received a phone call during the night that my Grandmother
was gone. I loaded up a 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 years old and headed across the
country in a little neon. Just me and my babies. I stayed in WA for
a month and by the time I got back to TN I had gained 10 pounds! 10 pounds
in 1 month. Driving from TN to WA and then WA to CA and then back to WA
and finally back to TN definitely had its effects. I got back to TN in
August of '07. By February of '08 I was headed back to WA. This time
moving back here. when I moved back I still had the 10 pounds on me that I
had gained the previous summer. To shorten this story, I haven't been
completely content since moving back. I've been going back up on the
scale. I'll loose a few pounds and then gain back double what I
lost.
This last weekend was spent on another binge and Monday evening I was
laying on the couch feeling extremely weighed down and overall
uncomfortable. I realized that no, I'm not as heavy as I have been
(although very successfully on my way) but I've tasted the fruits of being
smaller on the scale, having some definition, of being stronger. I've
tasted the continual compliments. My husband doesn't tell me that my bum
is getting smaller anymore. I miss it. I'm tired of feeling to fat
for him to look at.

It's just time. It's time to stop whining and dreaming of what life
will be like when...and start living. No, I'm not thrilled with living in
the city with neighbors out my back door. Yes, I dream of having a small
spread of land again (2 acres would be nice...that's what we had before and
although I'd love more there is so much we can do on just 2). I dream of
my husband having a job that will allow him to be home with us all the time but
I will be thankful that he is employed and that we are comfortable.
Yes, I still long for TN and do hope to one day be back there for keeps but
that's not the path that's been laid out before us for now.
I have 2 little ones that are watching me. I have 2 little ones that I would love
to take out to explore the world but don't too often because of how uncomfortable
my pants are. I want to stop trying to drown my sorrows (as silly as they
are) with food.

I've been moving my body for the last few weeks but the eating hasn't
changed. I'll have a morning of being good or on plan (whatever that may
be) and then I'm done. I'm done with the weekend binging. My
ultimate goal is huge. Almost 70 pounds but you know what? It's not
as big as it once was. At one point it was 120 pounds. An entire
person! Yep, I've messed up. I was to a point of 50 pounds but you
know, I choose to believe that my mess ups are making me stronger. Soon
enough I'll kiss that 50 pound mark good bye. for now, I'll kiss each and
every single pound adios and celebrate me. Celebrate the small steps
along with the big ones. I'll celebrate each number, each minute spent
exercising, each mile, each crunch, lunge or dip. I'll celebrate the sore
muscles and I'll celebrate every meal I have the opportunity to make for
my family.
Yep, life shall be a celebration. My mind shall remain focused.
The goal has been laid out and I'm going for it.

I'll weigh in every Wednesday and then every other Friday. Wednesday for the purpose of recording and every other Friday for a mini goal challenge my husband and I make every pay period. Without further hesitation, I weighed in at 207 this morning. No more though. I'll not go above that number nor see it again on the scale.