Ponderings

I was given some news on Friday from my husband that set off a stream of emotions. I'm thankful that God has given me a rock. He has given me a husband that I gain strength from and optimism. I know that that the Mister is also in a state of frustration but, using logic, he carries on.
We've talked about making changes over and over and over again for the last 6 years. Sometimes we'll begin but it lasts no longer than a month and slowly our lives revert back to the way they were. Now, change is being forced. Financial change is being forced. I've said over and over again to my Beloved that I want to live on less but no longer can seem to figure out how. Now, I had better figure it out because it's not an option. Over the last 4 days I have had moments of very selfish thoughts. I've grieved over the idea of giving up using my hands. The truth of the matter is that I don't have to give using my hands I just have to change what and how much I do with my hands. Ultimately I'm now looking at change as a gift. A lesson from God but also a gift.
My kids are at the age where schooling should be commencing. They routinely ask me to have "school". My heart longs to spend time with God. To spend time in His word and in prayer. I long to be a shining example to my children. I long to be the Proverbs 31 wife. I long to reshape my body and to be a good steward of this body that God has breathed life into. Despite my longings and desires I often find making things with my hands taking the priority in my life. I don't want it to be and yet, it always is. At this moment I'm looking at this "forced" change as an opportunity to really turn to the Father and to work on the changes I've yearned for.
The Refiners fire isn't a pleasant one but I know it could be more unpleasant.